This is not my (big) house

Okay, the presentation is over.  I only had to do about 10% of it--my boss did the rest, which may represent either her desire to present to her own division, or a lack of confidence in my abilities.  At this point, I don't really care.  I don't know whether I'm an extroverted introvert or an introverted extrovert, but either way, I get stressed out when I have to present to 100+ people.  And it's over.  Now that's a birthday present.  I still have a big backlog of work to do, but right now I'm taking a deep breath and being happy.

Rhys (with J's help) grilled a nice swordfish dinner and I didn't lift a finger.  J and Henry went and got me a cake from Stop & Shop, my very favorite.  To quote Henry's description of it, "with balloons!  and your name on it!  and everything!"  After dinner Rhys put the kids to bed and I built a fire and listened to music and knitted on a sock and just chilled out in our gorgeous new living room.  Despite still being nervous about this morning, I got to step back and think about how lucky I am.  Thankful doesn't even begin to describe it.

Sorry this blog has been whiny lately.  The "ending" of the construction project threw me for a loop a bit, and I wasn't expecting that.  We do still have a lot to do, and I feel strangely pressured.  Maybe it's just me, but it's challenging for me to see myself as doing things "for real."  Of course my family is always for real, but for a long time, I've just been *doing* my job, not letting it be a part of who I am.  I've had a similar feeling about my house--it's just the place we're living now, it's not the place we created.  Now, we have the place we created.  There's no more "when we do the construction..."  This is it (well, except for the banishing of the bad wallpaper.  And the kitchen.  Did I mention the kitchen?).  And despite the fact that I never imagined having a job as dorky as this, I apparently am an institutional researcher, for better or worse.  Weird.

It's not really about the birthday, but I suppose 37 really is a big deal for me.  This isn't a dress rehersal.  This is my life.  It's for real.  Part of me can't believe how lucky I am.  Part of me can't believe that my body is going to look like this forever (or worse!  news flash: aging sucks).  We're the lesbian moms with the careers and the house and fifteen years together.  If we'd just get over ourselves and make it official, we'd be the poster children for Massachusetts marriage.  Maybe instead we're poster children for AtMP.

So another year, a time of thanksgiving, and a new chapter in so many ways.  Life is not without its difficulties, but all in all, it's sweet sweet sweet.  And spinning by the fire makes it all the sweeter.  Happy holidays.

Comments

[PumpkinMama]

Happy Birthday. It is sometimes a challenge to realize that we are indeed grownups and have made our "real" lives whether we were aware of it or not. Hope you have a happy Thanksgiving, sounds like you do have much to be thankful for.

[Martha]

I think it's good to have these moments of clarity periodically, just so you can check in and make sure all is well. And it sounds like all *is* well, under the stress. The nice thing about turning the place you live in now into the place you created is that at the same time it becomes a home. Happy Birthday and Happy Thanksgiving in your new home! (I had great intentions of making your chestnut roast/cherry sauce thing this year but instead we cancelled Thanksgiving altogether. Maybe next year...)

[Carole]

Dude. Birthdays sure do bring out the relectionist in you. But I love it. I don't come here for the fluff, I come here because it's real life.

[Carrie]

Happy Birthday, Happy House, Happy Life.

[maryse]

getting old sucks doesn't it, especially when it catches you unawares. but it's all good. happy life!

[Lucia]

Same to you, and congrats on getting a few of those monkeys off your back. There are way too many monkeys in the world.

Hmm... you are onto something here. I think our failure to do *any* of things we planned to our house, lo these 12 years later, is related to the "making it official" thing. We still have the utterly dorky Laura Ashley wallpaper in the bedroom, and no curtains. I could at least work on the curtains.

[Kathy]

Oh, gawd, can I relate. There is indeed such a profound difference between just living your life and actually "owning" it, lumps and all. A wonderful birthday and happy Thanksgiving -- with blessings to you, Rhys and your kids.

[Kellee]

Do I hear the call of the knitted ottoman cover? ;)

But yeah - I used the phrase 'almost 40' the other day, and it seemed so.....I don't know...not 'me' somehow. Not that I have any issues with age, or getting older in general or even 40 specifically, but it seems surreal to me to sometimes compare my 'real life' with the ideas of what I thought life would be like at this point and wondering if I should somehow be getting on with 'it' - whatever 'it' is. Like, sometimes I'm just playing at being a grown-up. And then I realize that this IS 'it', and it kinda starts all over again. But usually only on birthdays, new year's eve, and whenever there's LOTS of wine. ;)

Wanna come play with my Groovy Girls?

[Cheryl]

Happy Birthday! Belated! I'm a few days late on the blog reading. But it looks like you bought yourself the very best sort of gift. . .

[Fulvia]

Aahhh ... the pain of being all grown up and inhabiting your skin fully ... Thanks for sharing. Happy Birthday and congratulations to all of you.

[Thorny]

Sounds like you had a really nice evening (and glad the presentation is over!).

As far as the "it's for real" thing... I've been there. When we moved into our apartment previous to our current, we realized we'd been suckered by a pretty "model" apartment and then a lovely view out of the actual apartment we were going to live in. So we didn't realize we'd gotten a kitchen only an anorexic hobbit could love, or a 2-bdrm apartment with a single phone jack (and us with two computers who both wanted to be on the internet!). So, we moved our stuff in, but I spent most of moving-in day crying and hating. So we just... never actually "made it real". Never unpacked, never anything. Until I got pregnant, and then it took some friends coming over to help us turn our little squatter's nest into something resembling a home.

I think it's one of those things, where your reality winds up not really matching your fantasies/expectations, so you kind of live in denial for a while, "Noooo, this can't /really/ be my life. I'm just going to kind of hold back for a while, because I'm sure it's going to be changing soon anyway." And in the meantime, it does become real and eventually you have to kind of admit it and embrace it and deal.

(NOTE: That's all still theory for me - I'm still big on the denial phase. grin!)

[Sara]

Damn - that's so true. There's a good side to "owning" the space you live in too...ugly wallpaper and all.

[Judi]

Not wanting to sound like a "wise elder" here, but that is the main problem with being a grownup - you are grown up. And while there is lots of future ahead you now realize that it takes actual work, as opposed to daydreaming, to get there.

It sounds to me like you are fashioning a lovely life, one you can be proud of. Just remember that life is a work in progress - always.

[Diane]

Sounds like your birthday was quite nice. I'm sure you'll manage to make your new space feel completely like it's yours soon. When we built our house 15 yrs. ago, the first few months did feel kind of odd, sort of like you're playing house.

[kmkat]

I've never had much trouble with owning my life, but *owning* this construction pit we're living in? Not so much.

[Laurie]

No matter how old you get, you never believe it. It must be like what I'm told pregnancy feels like: your body image lags months behind reality. Here? It's years. I doubt we would be human if we didn't expect that things (like our bodies) would get better rather than worse. Or we would need ECT, one of the two. I like the former option better.

It really IS a wonderful life. Not having a personal endpoint on the horizon makes all the difference. I watch that daily, and start to GET it.

[Lisa]

Yeah, I can relate to the "making it real" thing. This is it and we need to be happy with what we have. Sometimes I still have a hard time with that concept.

[claudia]

There is something about the title of this post that brought up a Talking Heads song for me.....

Anyways, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You young thang.

[Marcia]

I had every intention of getting my decade-plus-elder-ass over here to cheer you on, on the day in question.

39 and 41 really sucked for me and the rest is pretty much a blur. I still miss my former ass, but I'm getting more used to and loving of the one that now hangs beneath my backside. I hope that statement does not represent what they call "aging with grace" because I still ain't buying that cow.

True love is sexy.
True love has a rich, bountiful ass.

Happy Birthday.

[Kiturgy]

Birthdays come, birthdays go...new livingrooms are another story altogether! I think that moving into new/old space from the other side of the wall is at least as stressfull as moving someplace completely new...you want it to be "PERFECT" after all, and what if it's not??? We still have half the kitchen in boxes, and wardrobes (the cardboard ones!) in the front hall. Yup, $400 for shades--some do...check out custom draperies with cornices, fancy tiebacks and a couple layers of drapey stuff!!! I bought bed sheets and dowel rods with wooden thingies to hold them up!

Presentations get easier with practice and time...although I do know of preachers who throw up every Sunday morning--for 20 years! And these a good preachers...so nerviness comes with the territory!

Blessings on another year, in the new living room!

[Maria]

Well, yeah. I'm turning 37 too, in a couple of months. Or, actually, one. Shit. I'm facing the aging meltdown too. But in a state of denial. Like, if I was really in my late 30s, that would be really scary and freak me out, my life being, um, not exactly going in a particular direction (that dress-rehearsal thing in your post really hit home, I gotta say). But since it's imPOSSIBLE that I'm turning 37, I must really be like 32 at the most, I'm fine. Right?

[Barb]

Happy belated birthday! The 30s were a grand decade for me. Lucky you have 3 more years of them:)

[The Purloined Letter]

I think you are right that spinning by the fire, and sneaking glances at your family, is the way to get through this.