The Tragic Defeat of A Knitter

Ugh.

Last night was NOT pretty.  It's one thing to knit on with that vague feeling of dread, but it's another when another knitter looks at your knitting and says "yup, you're screwed."  And that's what happened last night.  There was the holding up of pieces of Elizabeth.  There was measuring.  There was the tragic realization that the stitches that made the bottom 46" around were eaten up by a center panel of twisted stitches, resulting somehow in the underarm, that place of far too much boobage on my particular bod, measuring only 38" inches around, which basically would have worked upside down but not so much with the boobage.  Boobular Elizabeth knitters be warned.  This is not a boobular sweater. 

There is great sadness.  Kristen suggests side panels.  I shall have to buy more yarn, and I have already bought more yarn and I am sick of buying more (very expensive) yarn for this sweater and the whole thing just makes me feel overweight and, well, overly boobular, and generally unhappy with my body, my knitting, my judgment and my investment of time and energy over the last six months.  I really thought I had this one right, I did.  The irony is that I started the sweater in a yarn that was too big for the pattern.  It would have come out just right.  I still have the 2" of sweater I knitted in it.  But I think I might have to undertake primal scream therapy before I actually knit this damn sweater again.

I did think seriously about a weight loss strategy motivated entirely by the desire to wear this sweater.  Don't worry, it didn't last long.  The 8" difference between the hips and the boobs, which is directly reversed from the actual difference in my hip:boob proportion [for those inclined toward formulae, sweater(hip>boob)<>body(hip<boob)=FUCK], will never work, regardless of what I do at the gym.  I think there are going to be side panels, just as soon as I get over myself and crawl into Webs for more yarn.  I need someone to hit the discount for me, since I may decide to give up on knitting and all, so there's no point in buying stash.  Anyone want to help a poor decrepit pudgy knitter with lousy judgment and expensive yarn?

So last night was fun times chez mama.  In between the wailing and the chest pounding and the rending of garments (not handknit ones, though, not yet, I still have hope for side panels), I decided that socks were my only salvation.  The knitting goddess laughed at me and made my Opal DK look completely hinky.  I mean, it's computer-printed GERMAN sock yarn.  How can it look messy knitted up?  Ha, laughs the goddess.

So out of the depths of the WIP pile came the Wrixlan Jacket.  And I was too lazy to get the book off the shelf so I just kept doing what I'd done so far on the row I was on (row two, what's your point?).  Turns out I should have checked because the rope cables on the front panels are twisted in a mirror image of one another, so I needed to unknit and retwist them on the next row.  But here's the thing, while I admire the OCD-ness of mirror-twisted cables, why aren't the back rope cables similarly mirrored?  This gets me all twitchy and in no way helps my state of mind.  You know?

Anyway, I put the damn thing in the Pile Of Knitting I Don't Want To Talk About (growing, at this point, from large to mountainous) and went back to my socks.  The goddess apparently wants me to knit socks.  I will say that my heels and toes are as nice as they've ever been, these days, what with all the practice.  I've even gone back to flap-and-gusset goodness after a long and torrid affair with short rows.  It was passionate, but we're just not right for each other, me with my deep heels and all.  Really, it's me, not the short rows.  I still love short row toes, I do.

I did start thinking maybe lace would be kinder to me right now.  I've been meaning to knit the Swallowtail Shawl for months now.  It's just that I hear this faint laughing coming from somewhere near the yarn stash...what is that?

Comments

[Juno]

Oh honey. Don't worry, you can make the discount on your own. Just be strong and the spirit will come to you.

And the laughing is the yarn thinking you could ever stay away.

I think you should spin something. You'll feel better.

[PumpkinMama]

Ugh. Some days are just not meant for knitting, I have found. At least the socks were good to you.

[Ruth]

Damn. I'm so sorry.

And the laughing? That's the nupps. They're evil.

[Beth S.]

Cate, follow your instincts and go knit Swallowtail! It could be just the thing you need--and besides, has Evelyn Clark ever let any of us down?

The nupps aren't so bad. Get yourself an itty-bitty dpn, and count the loops carefully before you purl 'em (the number 5 is your friend) and you'll be fine. Pinky swear. :-)

[The Feminist Mafia]

Socks for sanity - you said it yourself.
9 days from now you can have a real hug. For now, a virtual squeeze. Hang in there.

[AmyP]

Oh, poor you. Bad things happen to good knitters. Hang on in there!

[Martha]

Obviously, the pattern is flawed.

[Deborah C.]

Urggh... I know the feeling, it comes off the needles, I try it on, and POOF! I'm magically 5 inches shorter and 50 pounds heavier than I thought I was! Right now I'm knitting very little except socks, because I know those will fit. Sigh...

[Caroline M]

I'm so sorry - I have a sweater in a bag waiting to be unpulled but at least mine was a quick knit. I also considered massive weight loss as an option (maybe a hip AND boob transplant in my case). After I'd gnashed my teeth at that I found that the next three things I picked up all went wrong. I'm beginning to suspect that there's some sort of vibe that comes off bad knitting that taints all that it touches.

[claudia]

That is a real bitch. My deepest sympathy.

[Sara]

Oh Crap.

I do say you have LOVELY taste in choosing projects though. First, Elizabeth, then Wrixland - yum yum yum.

Might I suggest Poppy. Miles of stockinette, and either self-striping yarn (sleeves) or random stripes placed RANDOMLY - no directions necessary for that part (body).

Or keep on with the socks ;)

[Carole]

See, the thing is, if you stick with socks and shawls, tragedies like this are mostly avoided. Sorry.

[Kathy]

I am sorry to hear about that beeyatch Elizabeth. But, damn, it's good to have to back. Go to Webs; you'll feel better.

[JoVE]

Seems to me that the particular problem you describe would be an issue for all kind of people, not just the boobular. But very disappointing. Well justified anger.

And that OCD mirror cable thing shoudl be consistent. Either mirror them or don't. What's with the only mirroring on the back? Lots of people only see the back of your sweater (or at least that is where they might get away with looking close enough to notice)

[Kathy]

... have "you" back. Proofing, anyone?!?

[Carrie]

That was painful just to read, let alone experience. I do thank you for the word "boobular". I'm so going to incorporate that into my vocabulary.

[Katy]

Maybe you could purchase a very tight girdle?
Otherwise--head to WEBS. I'd offer to help with the discount, but really--I know that you can do it!
The knitting mojo will return soon.

[Thorny]

Oh lady, that sucks. I've had a recent bout of You Call Yourself A Knitter?-itis myself. One especially bad night saw me knitting on three different projects, and by the end of the night? I'd had to go back and undo all my progress on all three of them.

I started seriously looking at all the counted cross-stitch stuff I inherited from my grandmother at that point.

Good luck, lady. Something will come through for you, I know it!

[Marcia]

I'm sorry for your loss. I think you should frog it and hide the yarn away, all before you go to bed tonight. We'll call it a cleansing. Yeah.

I'm afraid if you try to bastardize the pattern at this point, it will just perpetuate the suck.

Besides, every frog looks better in the morning.

And thanks for the Algeboob lesson. It was a hoot(er). I tend to blame my boobs for all my body form ills, but I know that's not fair. I should divide the blame equally between boobs and gut, but the damn boobs are always in the way!

[Lucia]

Having endured teenage angst over being (fairly) boobless, I never dreamt until later in life that boobage could be fraught with such peril. I do sympathize. (Algeboob, lol.) And I totally agree re mirror cables. Would you be willing to take a sock out on the town in a good cause?

[Mel]

Despite the relative paucity of available patterns, there are times when it really is good to be a not-so-boobular guy. I don't envy you. Not one bit.

On the other hand, maybe it's a sign that you should set the knitting aside for a while and spin.

[melissaknits]

You are a victim of a society that designs anti-boobage garments. I, for example look rather like a cherry tomato in anything. It can be a blue tomato, a gray tomato, whatever. "Too short, too round, too short waisted, too pudgy". Funny though, when the lights are out nobody important complains, just my sad and sorry mind.
Your body, knitting and judgement are all an exquisite gift from (insert deity of choice), and should be revered as such.

And we've got a lovely new sock yarn, dyed by Gail Callahan, called KangaSock; cheap, hand dyed, and lovely to touch and lovely to knit, to assist you in getting to the discount.

[Diane]

Hey, at least you're getting beat up by a sweater. I just got beat up by a very small (toddler size) pair of mittens. Good luck, I'm sure you'll win!

[Laurie]

I think you should put your hands up and step away from the knitting. And who is agreeing with you that a shawl is a good idea right about now? She is your friend??

[Manise]

Spinning therapy is what is in order here. Sorry about knitting fiasco with Elizabeth.