News Flash: I CAN'T Have it All!

In which knitting is barely even mentioned, much whining takes place, and no solutions are found despite excessive verbiage, and not one single solitary link.  All I can say is that no pixels were harmed in the creation of this post.  Proceed at your own risk.

So I've been in a funk the past week or so.  I think I'm experiencing a bit of working-mother whiplash.  I had this sort of professional revelation at my conference.  Nothing earth-shattering on its own, but I realized that when I actually have the mental energy and focus to expend on it, I can do a decent job with this stuff.  I've been in this spiral of exhaustion and self-doubt for so long that I forgot what it's like to do my job when my job is actually the focus.  Of course, nobody's regular life is like a stint at the Marriott resort in San Diego, but I felt professionally energized by doing public speaking again, and having people actually mildly interested in my work.  Makes me want to maybe finish writing it, huh?

So it was all looking good until I got home and it all came back.  Exhausted again.  Scattered at work.  Pulled in all directions.  Motherhood.

I don't mean for this to sound anti-feminist.  I know many, many women who have kids and do an amazing job in high-powered professional positions.  I work with quite a few of these women every day.  But for some reason, my brain can't quite handle it.  It's like one of those brain maps that show, say, 60% kids, 20% yarn, 5% chocolate...where's the job?  Where's the importance of income as a predictor of test-preparation activity among high-achieving female college-bound seniors?   Because we still need real estate for the blog, for coffee procurement activities, for laundry and lunches and what to make for dinner other than tuna helper and WHERE THE HELL ARE MY KEYS?  (Oh yes, right there in my bag tangled up in the sock yarn, thank you.)  And despite the fact that I spend a certain number of hours at the J-O-B, my brain just won't commit. 

When I sit down to write, as often as not, the brain gives me a busy signal.  Sorry, all of our operators are currently serving other customers.  Your professional responsibilities are very important to us.  Your professional responsibilities will be handled by the next available brain cell.  Your professional responsibilities are the next responsibilities.  Your estimated wait time is...

And of course, having heard this song-and-dance before and knowing that I will get some contracted, underfunded, potentially offshore lackey who wants to explain to me how to use the mouse, not write a paper exploring the separate effects of race and income on college admissions, I figure I'll hang up and try again later.

And so it goes.  I'm so glad my boss and coworkers know about my blog.  Hi guys!  Yes, I'm losing it!  But you already knew that!  No need to fire me, I'm leaving in the fall!  Yippee!  (N.B.: these folks also know that despite working myself into a lather about things like this, I usually do pull something decent out for the deadline.  That hasn't changed.  Just bitchin' on the blog.  No worries!)

So, okay, I come back from California thinking, wow, my professional life just needs a little brain cell repurposing and some care and feeding and maybe I can get things going a little bit more, give myself a shot in the arm or a kick in the pants or something.

And then 2 (two) workdays after returning from my trip, with braincells highly committed to the freakout involved in the doctor's last-minute rescheduling of Henry's surgery to two weeks earlier than planned, I spend nearly two weeks at home with Henry while he recovers.

Needless to say, no braincells have been repurposed during this time, at least not in the direction of work.

And then I have a similar experience in the opposite direction to my California revelation.  We snuggle.  We read books.  We do puzzles.  We watch (okay) a whole lot of TV.  Popsicles.  Trips to Friendly's to have ice cream for lunch.  It's all so fucking manageable with the one kid and the truly minimal job responsibilities.  (I will resist the urge to talk about the twin thing here but even with two sometimes it's manageable.  Those times are increasing.)  If I just chucked the whole career thing (the masters!  the 12 years in the field!  the connections!  HELLO the money!), maybe I wouldn't feel like a failure as a mother and a homemaker quite as much.  Maybe my kids would be happier (not sure about this, frankly).  Maybe *I* would be happier.  Maybe life wouldn't be so crazy.  Maybe I would feel like I could sit down and THINK about things I never feel I have time to think about.  Or maybe I'd go crazy.  I mean craziER.

So that's the news flash.  Guess what?  You CAN'T have it all!  What a fucking surprise, right?  Apparently I wasn't paying attention in 1987 when the rest of the world figured that out.  But you know, I thought I had.  I left my high-stress full-time plus job for a great part-time job when we decided to start trying for kids.  Most of the kids' life, I've worked part-time, and now that I'm temporarily working full-time, Rhys has cut her hours.  So I thought I wasn't trying to have it all.  I thought I had made smart choices that would put my career on a slow track that would keep me involved but not insane.  Okay, so having twins wasn't the best plan for maintaining sanity, but I thought I had a pretty good setup.  But a lot of the time, I feel like not only do I get to have my cake and eat it too, but I have to bake it AND clean up the dishes.  I get all the guilt and disdain of not being a SAHM, with an extra added bonus of reduced financial and career rewards of working part-time, plus near-total responsibility (at least when I was working part-time) for sick care and logistics because my job is the secondary income and not the one that provides the insurance.

Okay, so that was a lot of bitching.  I still haven't found a balance.  Welcome to the human race, right?  So I'm leaving my job in the fall to do more freelance work.  Great.  But I feel like I need a plan.  Do I try to build a significant clientele so that I can grow my business into something I love and care about?  Or do I keep it to a bare minimum so that I can make enough money to keep me in yarn and chocolate?  We're keeping the kids in their current preschool (which we love), since we couldn't find a spot in any of the closer ones, and their current preschool is full-day only.  So when I don't have work do I volunteer in their classroom the three days they're there?  Pound the pavement for new clients?  Write articles for pittance?  Spin?  What, clean the house?  Please.

I figure I'll figure it out.  I'm nothing if not a work in progress (WIP!  UFO?  Uh oh.) when it comes to mothering.  Okay, when it comes to everything.  But I confess that the whiplash of the last couple of weeks has been simultaneously enlightening and exhausting and disturbing.  It's times like these that result in growth, I've found, but growth isn't always easy.  I will probably never be the domestic goddess that haunts me.  I may never achieve amazing success professionally.  It would help, I realize, if I knew whether I even really wanted either of those things.

I'll keep thinking.  Back to work tomorrow.  Jugglers, start your engines!

PS: I'm definitely eager to hear about others' struggles with these issues, so please comment and tell me what you've figured out, but please don't just give me your opinion about what mothers SHOULD do.  I have enough trouble managing the vast number of my OWN opinions on that subject, and I really do firmly believe that really excellent mothering can be done in a ton of different ways that suit a ton of different families.  Like they say, the best parenting is the parenting that's right for you and your kids.  My problem: no freakin clue what that is.

Comments

[sara]

ah - well - yeah, very well stated on all fronts. I have no answers. I have much empathy in traveling similar pathways. It sucks. But bottom line - you have great kids - a great partner - a house - bills paid - enough yarn and fleece to keep you busy all of which means the whole shebang sucks less than it doesn't. Of course you worry and try to have the rest - and that's the funny thing - even if you did get some of it, you still wouldn't have it all.

Just sigh, spin a bit more, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And make a promise to yourself to go to at least one conference a year...b/c it feeds something that isn't fed in the rest of life.

[Stacie]

I'm not a mom so I'm totally useless in this area :( However, I can send happy thoughts your way that everything all works out for ya!

[Susan]

I second everything you said. It's been six months and I still cannot believe I took a full-time job after leaving a full-time job to stay home with my kids. That's why I'm up at 1 a.m. reading blogs when I should be writing or editing something. Tomorrow, when I'm home all day with the kids (because I do my full-time job with only one and a half days of babysitting help -- the rest takes place at night and on weekends) I'll be a mess. Nice and grouchy, giving my kids memories they'll share with their therapist some years down the line. Anyway, blah blah blah complain complain complain. I do love being a mom. I do love the amount of time I get to spend with my kids. And I do like my job. But it ain't easy. Hang in there.

[Impetua]

I am a SAHM with virtually no responsibilities beyond caring for our daughter and our home. Money is not a big issue. My partner's leave policy is generous if I get sick and she has to come home and take care of the baby so I can rest.

Is our house gorgeous and well-maintained? Well, no. There is a huge pile of laundry in various stages of cleanliness/foldedness/put-awayedness at generally any moment. The litterbox perpetually needs cleaning. Stuff is scattered everywhere, reflecting the state of affairs inside my head. I sometimes feel as if our daughter doesn't get the kind of focused attention I should be giving her because I'm too distracted by the tv, the newspaper, the internet. I wander from room to room half-finishing various tasks. And I'm so not training for the triathlon that I signed up to do in order to motivate myself to exercise more.

So don't worry, it's not just you, and you're at least working. I have no excuse.

[stephanie]

I thought I had this one figured out. I stayed home.
From the time that Amanda was born 16 years ago until now, I stayed home. I had some part-time stuff when they got bigger, I went to school while they were in school, but if they were home, I was home. I met them everyday after school, I was absolutely 100% present. I didn't mind either, since I really felt like it was the best thing for us. Fast-forward 16 years (not really so fast actually) and I realize that I've got to get my butt in gear. That I'm in danger of being an almost 40 year old woman with no career. NONE. So I start writing again, I start mailing stuff off, and it totally works, and the next thing I know I'm on a book tour in Pittsburgh wondering how this happened and getting a lecture over the phone from my daughters on how my first job is being a mother, and asking where I am.

Arrgghh. There is no right answer. Do what lets you sleep (the most) at night, and accept that you can't have it all. Only choices. (I hate that).

[Katy]

Okay, we definitely have to meet for coffee and knitting soon, b/c I identify with pretty much everything you are struggling with. I work (very) part-time and I like my job when I am there, and they "let" me do a lot from home, but in reality that just makes me feel more scattered. I have so many ideas for things I want to do, "careerwise", but then I lose all motivation and I just want to stay home with my kids. THEN when I am home with my kids I let them watch too much TV and I feel guilty about that (and the baby just wrote all over herself with magic marker while I was writing this) and and and....ARGHHH!!! In all the ways that count I really DO have it all, but I still struggle with the balancing and the juggling, not to mention the judgments of others.
So no wisdom for you. But you're not alone. ;)

[maggi]

Well, if I wasn't here reading blogs at the start of my work-week, I'd have a whole lot more to say, and maybe I will later when I am not in the office, but boy-howdy did that post speak to me and how I am sharing these struggles of mind and body. I only have the one kid (for now) and no partner, but my job responsibilities have doubled in the last six months with no compensation adjustment, and I'm no longer really digging life in this particular non-profit environment (not that I'd ever go back to the corporate sector where I'd be paid what I'm worth). We have one more year of preschool, but then I want to be like Steph and pick my child up after school. I think about freelancing (and/or teaching, but adjunct pay sucks), but the insurance piece remains my sticky wicket ~ although I did chat with a friend Saturday who has a healthcare svaings account, as she is fundraising counsel and her hub a contractor . . . When I have tried the freelance route in earlier stages of my career, I wasn't too good at getting the clients; introvert tendencies paired with being raised a Southern woman maybe don't make for good "I'm Maggi, I'm great, hire me" pitches. But I have a breadth of contacts now that I didn't have then. Imagine throwing this into the mix: I think I am about to sign a contract on a new house! I don't expect the mortgage payments to change, but I've got a lot of extra work ahead of me for a home move ~ so much for the Summer of Lace, and good thing I'm Sockapal2za-ing in DK! Anyhoo, I'm always glad to hear that I am not alone in trying to figure out how to make it all work ~

[Deb]

I'd love to give you some wise words that would help, but . . . I don't have kids, just a dog, and that's not exactly the same kind of responsibility. (At least, not once past the house-training and baby-puppy stage, but that's around 6 months AND you can legitimately put a puppy in a crate and go out for a couple hours of sanity with Puppy Welfare descending on your house. So really, no comparison.) All I can really give you is a sympathetic ear, and admiration for you for trying to do it all--which CAN be done, but is really, really hard. (Hello, I haven't even thought about trying!) Don't abuse yourself for feeling like you're not accomplishing everything you would like to do--you're trying to do a super-human amount of stuff--and "having it all" does in fact require an insane amount of work. You're doing wonderfully, you are. This is just a momentary lapse of confidence. Look how happy your kids are. Your house is in one piece. You're doing fine--you may be struggling, but you're managing. Don't lose faith! (And yes, it's easy to say this from the other end of the computer connection, but you've made it this far, and you'll manage to eke out that mental real estate (!) for the j-o-b. You will!

[Jenny in NC]

Aww, I am SO right there with you, and I completely can't do it all either. I just maintain the illusion at work, and manage to crank out stuff in time for a deadline. Right now, I'm taking the other half of my maternity leave weeks from last summer in order to help cover child care, since our nanny (or any other sane person) can't handle all 4 (aged 6, 3 1/2, and 11 mos x 2) at once, so we divide and conquer. Last week, I was a leader at DD's girl scout day camp, and I had a great time, but NOTHING got done at home except for basic hunting/gathering of dinner. But there were other moms there who would come in all ticked off that they were *working* that week at camp, darnit, and their husband didn't cook them dinner. Wah.

I'm at a point now where I'm trying to really get excited for work, but I'm trying to figure out what it is I enjoy about it right now. I like doing clinical evaluations, but hate writing the reports. I like the state consulting gig, but I'm tired of answering silly niggling questions about specific tests every week. I like being home, but I feel like I can and should have a lot more patience with my guys. Come September, I'll finally be vested in the retirement plan, but I still have a lot of student loans to pay off at this point, too. What has worked with me so far has been just a series of deadlines, and constantly reminding myself that I *can't* do everything. I have only once used the "dude, I've got 3 kids under 3 at home, what do you expect?" excuse, and I've found people to be pretty understanding.

Sorry so long, but your post is really where I'm at right now. Be like Dory from Nemo - just keep swimming and find some joy in your day. Gotta go work on another report now, after I put down this one nursing kid and turn down Spongebob. Take care, and I'm open to suggestions, too!

[Beth]

If you find the answers, please share them. I too work full-time. I'm a single mom with 3 girls. My ex is helpful, but not helpful (if that makes sense). Fortunately, I have an incredible support network in my family. But that doesn't change the wants vs. needs.

But there are going to be some major changes and lots more stress before all is said and done ... my position has been eliminated and I now get the joy of trying to find a new job. Like I didn't have enough stress and anxiety before. At least I have a few choices.

Good luck!

[Norma]

Oh, bloody hell. I'm going through it on the other end of the spectrum now. Sort of an empty-nester, and SOMETHING has happened ....be it hormonal, the blogs, fear, boredom..I don't know WHAT....most likely a combination of all of those. I went through the working mom thing all the time when Abigail was small, then I cut back to "part-time" freelance work. The problem with that is just as you say...being at home seems too distracting. There is too much other stuff I'd rather do...or NOT do. I spend an inordinate amount of time reading and writing blogs and/or just sitting. When I was employed 40 hours a week and had a young child to pick up after work, I got SO MUCH MORE DONE. I worked out regularly, I ate properly and cooked meals, I got things done that needed to be done. I feel like I've pretty much fallen apart.

[Risa]

I certainly don't have any answers beyond you do what you have to do. While I think I've come up with the work v. kids balance that works for us, jury is still out as they are a bit young yet, I don't have much of a choice. Rewarding work gives me the chance to speak with adults who do appreciate my efforts and balance out the nurturing mother at the other end of the train ride. It is definitely not easy but I can't think of any alternative. I can't say as I have it all as I don't have a partner to share this all with. You have a wonderful partner, beautiful kids and a warm house, you'll do what you have to do. I have every confidence that you'll find the mental real estate for the job.

[Snowball]

Nope, I can't do it all, either. So I took a job that doesn't stretch my brain quite as hard, but it gets the bills paid. Because I'm a single mom, one of whose kids is a college student, and I have to spare some of my brain for the kids. They come first. So no Tivo. No recent house painting. But lots of yarn because I have to have LOTS of sanity. :-)

[amysue]

Nope. You can't have it all. You can however, periodically take some time to rethink what part of "all" is important and readjust. Even better, you can change your conclusions on the matter whenever you need to.

For a long time it was just the kids for me, no work, SAHM all the time. Now I work about 20 hours a week and with the kids now 10 and 6 I have time for that, my volunteer stuff and them and the baance usually works.

I will add, corny as this will sound, my various serious health scares helped put perspective on it all for me. My family deserves to have me as sane and healthy as possible. Sometimes that means I need time for my own adventures and work and sometimes we can be symbiotic..but it's all good.

Have a relazing summer and hey-at least *you* finish projects!

[gene]

From a 69 year old granny: you can have it all but not all at one time ;-)

[Cece]

Oh. I'm glad you posted this - it really got me thinking. I'm killing myself at work - cranky when I get home to my husband, and trying to cheer for a 3 month old puppy when he manages to pee outside.

How do people handle it with kids? Am I a loser because I can barely handle it with a husband, a house in need of fixing up and 2 dogs? Guess not!

I have nothing new to add, but a thank you for prompting the discussion - good to read what others are saying!

[Barb]

Add me to the list of people whose hearts you just read like a book. I'm a fellow twin-mom (found you via apmultiples, I believe, and saw you're also a knitter, so have been lurking your blog a while), and my boys just turned a year a couple weeks ago.

I've been a SAHM this past year, primarily because day care costs would have left me grossing about a buck a day if I'd stayed in my old job. I'm honestly glad it worked out that way, but now the money-noose is cinching tighter and tighter around us and so I'm now scouring the want ads, trying to find some kind of work that will help us keep paying rent but not make me feel like I'm abandoning my babies and/or leave me hating my life.

In my case, it doesn't help that I never really figured out what I "wanted to do when I grew up" to begin with - just a string of job job jobs - so when I look at the ads, I don't even know quite what I'm looking for. I tried doing some freelance-y work for a friend of mine here at home, and have discovered as others have that there are just too many distractions. If I'm home, I wanna be Mom, not somebody trying to put in part of a workday while the kids are napping or what-have-you. I know it works well for some folks, and frankly I envy them. But for me? It just makes a messy situation messier.

If it's any comfort (and it may well not be, for which I apologize), I find reading your blog gives me a bit of hope. It helps to read about another twin-mom who is juggling being an ap-type parent with having a career, and it doesn't seem like anything has blown up yet. Which, imo, is pretty good for anyone living in the Land Of Twins.

[Teresa C]

I don't know that I have alot to add to this conversation. I left college when pregnant with my first, so no career was started that had me feeling a tug to get back to. My perspective as a parent of *olderish* children is what you hear everyone say. It flies by. You can't even believe when you are dropping her off at college the first time that she wasn't born three months previous. It just always feels like it is going on forever and the money issues cause stress and your friends all have big jobs and houses and cars (and mortgages and bills)..... In the early days we were broke, but Pete has made some risky choices that worked out. Now I am spoiled. I work part-time in a job that I could turn into inheriting the business if I chose (I don't, much to Mom's dismay). I see my kids as they are passing through from job to job to rehearsals to school to social lives, and I am still really glad to be here when they are. I am planning on going back to school, but I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Now-I am not suggesting that you give it all up, that is not really a possibility, but think about choosing to do what you can to be at home as much as you can. I don't think most people regret their family time in the end. And for me, on the days that I am home knitting and all three of my girls just happen to be here at the same time, well, I am so glad that it doesn't happen to fall on a day that I am at work. (A lucky aside-two of my daughters are working for my mom right now. Tons of family time. Tons. Toooooons. I'm not say too much mind you..... not TOO much, no really. :)

[mamamarta]

i agree with granny -- you CAN have it all, just not all at the same time. you know my story -- i spent the first five years of my daughter's life in a career i didn't like, arranging things so i could be home. now i've been home three years (can you believe that??), two of them with my son. in the meantime, i've found a calling and am working toward becoming a lactation consultant. i also do a lot of volunteer work, at church, daughter's school, breastfeeding support.... when i take a long view -- say five, ten years out -- i definitely feel like i'm having it all. although sometimes i still get itchy and impatient with how much time i spend with small kids, with how little money we have, with how messy the house still is (shouldn't i at least have a clean house if i'm a sahm? bwahahahaha!!!). sometimes i find myself yearning to put micah in childcare and get on with this career i feel passionately about. sometimes i think i'm going to go out of my mind if i have to haul him to yet another meeting and try to keep my quite spirited kid relatively quiet and entertained. sometimes during the day, especially in the winter, i feel isolated. sometimes i feel invisible and underappreciated. often i still feel like i'm doing way too much and not leaving enough "me time" (still haven't picked up the spinning again, although summer is very promising with dear partner home....). so i'm not painting some idyllic picture of a perfectly balanced life! but most of the time i feel very content. i love being home with my kids, i love keeping my brain engaged through volunteer work now, and i love that there is a meaningful career (and some more money) for me on the horizon when the kids are older. one that fits both my passions and the rhythms of our family life.

cate i would never tell you to do what i've done, because my life right now works uniquely for me, and not necessarily for anyone else. so i'm struggling to find words of wisdom ... what i've always wished for you is that you follow your passion and throw caution to the wind. i know, i know easier said than done, on both fronts, lol! but honestly, the point of conferences is to get your juices flowing. i remeber being at a law confernce about the most dry subject imaginable, and feeling all revved up, thinking i'd found my calling, lol! which is not to say that you aren't amazingly good at what you do, or even that you don't get a lot of pleasure out of it. but it seems to me that the higher ed stuff isn't really your passion -- that's your kids, and wool. so what's keeping you from taking the leap and really pursuing those passions?

love,

marta

[The Feminist Mafia]

You voice my daily frustrations here. In appreciation, there's a gift of laughter for you at my blog.

[Anna]

Sweet, you know my struggles from reading my blog, it's hard enough even though I'm lucky that I don't have to work and I don't want to work!

I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but I'm positive you will find your way through this and you will all come out well in the end.

I think you're fabulous, don't beat yourself up becasue you can't live up to some ideal that doesn't really exist.

Hugs

Anna

[gale (she shoots sheep shots)]

I'm just catching up and saw this entry. You're not alone. Since becoming a parent almost 15 years ago I have the feeling I'm not doing as good a job as I might no matter which hat I'm wearing - mom, partner, professional, friend, daughter, sister, knitter, gardner, and lets not talk about the house at all. Oddly, other people think I'm doing just fine. I bet you hear that,too.
The best parenting advice I ever received was from my dad, who said not to listen to the forced advice of experts but at any given moment, go with your own gut. The best general advice is from Anne Lamott in Bird by Bird, who says (paraphrased): Don't compare your insides to other people's outsides.
And as the yoga teachers say, just breathe!

[Kathy]

I understand a lot of what you write about. I work 4 days a week at a pretty responsible mid management job at a university. I have two children, 6 and 2. I like to knit, am not very obsessive about housework. I can't get a damn thing done around the house (haven't vacuumed in a week or two anyway). The kids are very active and the only time I can do housework is if they are asleep. I knit or watch TV or do laundry instead.

My older kid is in school, the little one in daycare. I am "off" on Fridays, if you could call it that. I love being with the little one but I can hardly call it catch up time!

The insanity is sometimes so palpable. Routines feel like they hang by just a thread...anything can go wrong. First there was the stomach virus that all 4 of us got in succession over 2-3 weeks. Then, my younger one ended up in the hospital with asthma like symptoms. I felt so guilty that I couldn't be at work. But what's a mom to do? My husband also works and we try to be equitable about time off to take care of children, but I have the more flexible job.

After the hospital thing, I thought, this is insanity. So, I'm going to try to cut back my work hours to 3 days a week. I'm scared about less money and about whether or not I'll be taken as seriously but I think I need to do it. There's no time to take care of myself and I think that's something I've got to do better at.

Sorry this is so long winded. Your post touched a nerve, and I think it's one many women struggle with, whether they work outside the home, are full time moms, or something in the middle. Thanks for sharing and hope you find your balance too.

Kathy